Reeve's Epic Quest
by Mysteriouslyabsent
Summary: Zara's usual crackfic fare. Concerns Reeve and a whole bunch of people out to get him. Set in the original game timeline, as always. Again, rather cracky...
1. Chapter 1

**Reeve's Epic Quest**

_A/N: Wow, I think this may well be my worst title yet… :S Ah well. Anyway, this is an epic saga I've wanted to write for a looooong time, but never quite gotten around to… until now! :D Prepare for a tale of adventure and daring, where geekery and strength collide, friendships are lost and won and one man can make a difference that will last… _forever_. ;P I've never written Reeve before, so apologies for if this sucks. Oh, and I own nowt. Right then, let the nightmare begin! :D Oh yeah, and this thing ignores OTWTAS, Case of Denzel, because that's a total retcon. In other words, I'm sticking with my original game canon, as always…;)_

… … …

"Hey, you! Yeah, that's right, you! What the hell d'you think you're doing?"

Reeve took a step back, but it was too late. The men were advancing on him, glaring. They'd seen, all right…

…

_Two hours earlier…_

"Here, lemme tell ya fortune for ya… okay, says here that you're gonna have a bright future with lotsa-lotsa-lotsa-SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SHINRA PROTOTYPE NUMBER TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO CLOSE! APOLOGIES FOR THE INCON-INCON-INCON-"

Reeve swore and raced to the other side of his office, grabbing the fire extinguisher just in time as Cait Sith Mk 283 burst into flames. After coating the doll in foam, he went back over to survey the damage, and immediately ascertained that it would have to be consigned to scrap. Bloody cheap budget.

Reeve had been trying to get the thing to work for _months_, now. It had taken over his life. Every waking minute was spent programming, building and testing the thing. And it still had the same goddamn error. That wouldn't have been so bad, but some bright spark had configured all the Shinra software so that, in the event of a hardware failure, the same message would be read out. Cait Sith was supposed to be a spy. Spies for Shinra weren't very effective if they said they were from Shinra. Reeve knew that AVALANCHE wouldn't be stupid enough to think that Cait Sith was a living creature, so he could get away with a couple of errors every so often, but not if Cait went and spilled the beans in the process.

_But how do I fix it? If I try and reprogram it and alter that part of the code, I'm technically breaking Shinra copyright and they could sue me for all I'm worth… I could try and get permission, I suppose, but by the time the bureaucracy's over with, AVALANCHE will have blown up all the reactors and then some… goddamn it…_

Reeve groaned and ran a hand through his long black hair. There _was _another solution, he supposed, and that was to fix the hardware, but he didn't have a clue where to start. If _he _didn't know what the problem was, and he was the expert in the field, nobody else would be able to help him.

_Maybe it's because I'm using cheap materials_…

Reeve didn't really believe it, but he couldn't think of anything else, so hey.

_Okay, say that's what's wrong… How do I get more expensive stuff, then? They're not going to increase the budget for this; they already think it's ridiculous. They're only humouring me because otherwise I'll kick up a fuss about sector seven…Oh, Ifrit, that's tomorrow, isn't it? All those years of work and just, damn. I wouldn't want to be a member of AVALANCHE this time tomorrow evening, that's for sure…_

He sighed and flopped down into his chair, leaning back and closing his eyes. Some engineer he was, not even being able to fix a simple robot. _Well, hardly_ _simple_, he thought with some pride. _The personality chip alone is a work of art_. But then Reeve had been fiddling with robots and personality chips and circuits all his life, so he really had no excuse. And hadn't he already built a mini Cait Sith that had worked fine, a few years ago? He was pretty sure… but where on Gaia had he left the thing?

_Think, Reeve, think…You showed it to mum, and she said…_

…

_five years ago_

"Ooh, it's a little kitty cat! With cute little booties!"

"Er, yes, mum, I didn't know what to get you, so I… er… got you this."

"Oh, you shouldn't have! I'm going to put him on my mantelpiece, along with all the other little bits and bobs you've got me for Mothers' Day over the years… Your dad's going to be so jealous!"

"… I doubt it. Anyway, it'd be a bit of a waste to put _this one _on a mantelpiece. Here, let me show you… just a minute… where's the switch… there!"

"… Oh! It walks!"

"Mmhmm. Talks, too. Watch."

"_Howdy, doll! The name's Cait Sith, an' I'm ya walkin' talkin'_ _kinda pointless but oh-so-loveable pet thing!"_

"Oh, Reeve, he's right, he _is _adorable!"

"Now, you see, that's what _I _said, and all the guys at work were like, 'for the love of Ifrit can you shut that thing up cos it's annoying as hell' but there! Proof! Cait Sith is not annoying! They just have issues! Ha!"

"…"

"… Er… I mean… Er, so, er, he comes with a mog that he can, er, sit on… er…"

"Thank you, love. I'll cherish him, you mark my words…"

…

_So mum should still have Cait… but she's not at home today, is she? I got her and dad a free ticket to… oh, damn it, I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm _not _going to that place, not after those wrestlers tried to molest me last time… 'group room'… I thought it'd be girls!_

Reeve sighed. He knew his parents wouldn't appreciate the Honeybee Manor, anyway (he'd given them the ticket as a 'present', after winning it in a raffle. If he'd had friends, he'd have given it to one of them instead).

With a grumble, Reeve stood. It would seem that Cait was a lost cause for today, but he could still work on some other projects. First, though, he'd need materials. And if you wanted materials on the cheap, there was only one place to go…

Reeve took off his neatly pressed white shirt and pulled on the grubby grey polo neck that he kept at the bottom of his drawer. Off went the fitted trousers and on went the ripped jeans. Loafers were swapped for a mismatching pair of holey trainers. Reeve mussed his hair into a fuzzy, spiky style and then nodded.

_You can take a guy out of the slums, but you can't take the slums out of a guy. Time to get some materials!_

With a grin, Reeve stepped out of his office and headed for the elevator.

…

_Present_

"I, I swear, I didn't touch anything, I swear!" Reeve gasped, backing away with his hands up. He could feel a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead as he looked wildly around for an escape. No luck. Oh, Ifrit, sweet, hairy, flaming Ifrit, he was going to die…

…

_One and a half hours ago_

Everyone who'd ever lived in the slums knew that if you wanted to get materials, 'that battery guy's shop' was the place to go, and Reeve was no exception. The problem, as Reeve saw it, was that:

a) 'That battery guy' was a total ripoff

And

b) Reeve had a lifetime ban after his lucrative thieving career as a teen

He hoped the guy wouldn't recognise him, but Reeve was still nervous. He knew that slum folk didn't carry their guns for show. He loved it here, as every path and junk heap held a million childhood memories, but he knew his standing at Shinra would make him ideal for target practice. You could love the slums, greet them like an old friend and smile at the thought of them, but they'd never return the favour, and, like as not, they'd knife you in the back.

_And _that _is why you have to love them!_

Reeve grinned to himself. What _would _the President say if he could see his Urban Planning Director here right now!

_(Yeah, yeah, all this is very amusing, Reeve, but we're here for a reason, remember? Bite the bullet (literally, probably) and get some stuff to tinker with. And then run like hell.)_

Reeve snorted again, imagining the headlines if he was caught robbing 'that battery guy'. He could see it now… oh, Ifrit, he would _kill _to see President Shinra's face! He laughed out loud, and an old woman hurried past him with a worried look, clearly afraid of the insane gentleman in the grey shirt. That made him laugh harder.

Grinning, Reeve headed out of the train station and through Sector Seven. Damn it, there'd be transport problems after tomorrow. How was anyone from above the plate going to get to Wallmarket?

_Somehow, I think you'll be the only one annoyed about that, Reeve-dear._

He sighed, the grin disappearing.

_Let's see… South from the station, through Sector Seven and then the play park North of Sector Five (and, if you go further South, there's the church and then the Access Gate… now that I think about it, Midgar isn't a very travel-friendly city, is it? I'll have to bring it up in the next board meeting)… then it's across that veritable obstacle course that masquerades as a path, and _then _there's a little turn, and _then _it's Wallmarket… oh, I hope that's right… it's been too long…Hang on, isn't the play park after the obstacle course? Oh, for Ifrit's sake, and I can't even ask anybody because _then _I'll get mugged! Damn it!_

…

_Present_

Reeve gulped as one of the men punched a fist against the opposite palm. He looked like he could beat Reeve up with his little finger. His biceps rippled as he let out a menacing growl.

…

_Fifteen minutes earlier_

Reeve had finally made it to Wallmarket, after about a million wrong-turnings (and an attack by a fricking Hell House, for Ifrit's sake!). He'd been almost-mugged twice (not bad!) but Reeve never went into the slums with money in his pockets, so that was okay. Casually, he strolled over to 'that battery guy's place', and put a hand on the doorknob.

"Freeze," said a gruff voice behind him, and Reeve felt the barrel of a gun press against the base of his skull. Cursing, he slowly turned round.

"Yes?"

"You. Are. Banned. For. Life. Sonny. Jim," 'that battery guy' growled, and judo-flipped Reeve over his shoulder. As Reeve tried to get up, coughing dust, 'that battery guy' stomped into his shop. "Don't let me catch you here again!"

Reeve swore. "Just 'cause you can't get any _paying _customers!"

The guy didn't hear him, as he'd already slammed his door. Reeve stood, brushed the dust off the seat of his jeans and groaned.

_Now what?_

He was damned if he was going back empty-handed!

There was the junk pile near the shop, but Reeve knew that 'the battery guy' would have already taken all the best stuff. He supposed the only place left to try was the gym. They wouldn't miss one (or maybe two… or maybe three) small pieces of exercise equipment, and if all else failed, he could just nick a set of dumbbells and maybe try and get himself some muscle over the next few weeks. He supposed he was a bit of a kleptomaniac, actually, but old habits died hard.

_So… gym it is!_

Which all explains, quite nicely, really, how Reeve ended up in a face-off with ten angry wrestlers who'd caught him trying to steal the belt from their best treadmill.

… … …

_A/N: Kehehehe, that's all for now, folks! :O Can you bear the suspense? (_Yes. It's not very exciting.) _Shut up!_ :'( _(Sataninasandpit what the hell am I on?) A-hem! Anyway, so yeah, please, please, please review, because I will send my pet Zemzellet round to your house to wreak its revenge otherwise. Kyahahahaha! Ooh, and can anyone spot the place where Zara *completely forgot* the geography of the Midgar Slums? :P But yeah. Review, please, and tell me what sucks. _


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I'm on such a wrestling kick at the moment…xD_

… … …

**Chapter 2**

"P-Please, I-I can explain!" Reeve gasped as the biggest wrestler, a man with a fetching chestnut bob-cut, wrapped his hands around Reeve's throat and started to squeeze.

"Explain, then," said the wrestler, stony-faced.

"Err…" said Reeve.

"Beat 'im, Bro!" one of the other wrestlers yelled.

"Shut up!" The wrestler let go of Reeve's neck for a moment, and punched the other one in the stomach. "Nobody tells Beautiful Bro what to do! And you're not goin' anywhere," he added, as Reeve tried to make a quick getaway. 'Beautiful Bro' gripped Reeve's neck again. "You get one chance- what the hell were ya doin'?"

("Uuuuhh, Bro's fists of steel cut to the bone!" gasped the other wrestler. Reeve was not too keen to share his fate.)

"Err… well, you see, that is, err…"

"Get 'im, Big Bro!"

"I said shut up!"

"Aaaaaaargh!"

Reeve tried not to cry. _Every other _head of department had one of those shady Turks as a guard- where was _his_? Just because he disapproved of their (lack of) ethics didn't mean he didn't want them to help him out when he needed it! He was _proud _of his hypocrisy, damn it! It made him better at his job!

_I am so screwed…_

Reeve was about to make another desperate at a getaway, when the gym door tinged. Beautiful Bro grumbled and then hauled Reeve across the room, shoving him into-

_Why the blazes do they have a secret compartment under their wrestling ring?_

"Keep quiet, buddy," Beautiful Bro hissed. Close up, Reeve could smell an aftershave oddly reminiscent of strawberries and biscuits. "We'll deal with you later." He then shut the compartment door behind him. Reeve heard him walking away, and then he overheard a _very _strange conversation.

"You're the one…" said Beautiful Bro, "… who wants to be cute?"

"Cute?" a male voice answered. It sounded baffled.

"Right," a female said firmly. "And about the wig…"

_Wig? Is that a code? Are they drug dealers? Steroids, maybe, for bodybuilding?_

"Yeah, I heard," Beautiful Bro replied cryptically. "But it'll cost ya."

Reeve was almost certain that they were, in fact talking about drugs, when the next person spoke.

"Urrrrgh!" It was the wrestler whom Beautiful Bro had punched earlier. "Big Bro! The only way you're gonna get cuter is if you can beat Big Bro!"

_What? Wrestling for drugs… What?_

"That's right!" the room chorused. "So, you've got to compete with us!"

"You're right," said Beautiful Bro. "Let's do squats."

_Now there's something you hear every day._

"All right!" he continued. "We'll beat you out of this gym!"

The man Reeve hadn't seen spoke again, "Are you…"

"… THEBeautiful Bro?" the woman completed. Reeve frowned. What, they were doing a drug deal with the guy, but they didn't know who he was…? The head of Urban Development frowned. No, that didn't make any sense whatsoever. His theory was officially a failure.

_Just like poor ol' Cait, dammit… Back to square one… You see a lot of square one, don't you?_

"Dammit," Reeve muttered. He sighed and continued to listen.

"What?" asked Beautiful Bro. He sounded as perplexed as Reeve felt. "Always running around here sayin' Big Bro' this, Big Bro' that…"

_Is there a person alive who can make sense of that?_

"Never mind that," Beautiful Bro said in a tone that suggested a (slightly hurt) shrug. "Come over here. Now, I'll explain the rules."

The sound of steps came from somewhere above Reeve's head. Beautiful Bro then went through all the finer points of… squatting.

_It doesn't take a genius… _thought Reeve, rolling his eyes. Although he'd still managed to fail every fitness test Shinra ran. He was a self-proclaimed geek with that rarest of gifts- he could sit at a workstation all day, doing minimal labour and eating nothing but chips, and not put on an ounce of weight. Palmer had been needling him for his secret for a while- he thought that Reeve had invented some sort of weight-loss device. Reeve had a suspicion that it was just the lard in the tea that tipped the balance.

"Got it?" asked Beautiful Bro.

"Got it," replied the stranger. He sounded resigned to his fate.

"Whoever has the most squats after thirty seconds gets the wig," said Beautiful Bro.

It suddenly occurred to Reeve that two fully-grown men were going to be squatting above his head. He was glad that Scarlet was nowhere to be seen; she'd have never stopped bringing it up at embarrassing moments.

_Why do the childhood bullies always become such successful people?_

"I'm not going to lose," a voice proclaimed from above Reeve's head, snapping him out of his reverie. He realised it was the wrestler who'd been punched. "Big Bro's wig is MINE!"

_What is the 'wig'?_

"Just be quiet…" said Beautiful Bro exasperatedly. "It's not fair for you to start right away, so, you want some practice?"

"Don't need to practice," answered the stranger. It sounded like he was speaking through gritted teeth.

"Now let's begin the real thing," Beautiful Bro said. "Start!"

Reeve's ears were ringing by the time the deafening thumping sounds ceased.

"He had nineteen squats and you had three squats," announced Beautiful Bro eventually. "Sorry. You lose."

_No way… _thought Reeve, snorting slightly._ He'd_ managed seven before now!

"Since the old man from the clothing store asked me, I can't keep it from you, so…"

Again, Reeve didn't even try to understand.

"Oh, now where did I put it? All right then." There was an odd shuffling sound, followed by a few moments' silence, and then a loud crash.

"Stupid!" shouted Beautiful Bro. "What kinda place is that to hide it in!"

"Uuuuhh, Bro's fists of steel cut to the bone!" came the groaning reply.

"Sorry," said Beautiful Bro. Reeve heard the stranger give an odd snort and Beautiful Bro continued, "You should still be able to use it if you disinfect it first."

If Reeve had been one of his own robotic creations, he felt he would have gone mad trying to work out what the 'wig' was. His logic cells would have long-since fried. As it was, his logic cells had long-since fried and he felt like he was going to go mad.

There was another 'ting!' as the two people left the gym, and then silence for a few moments. And _then…_

"Right. What're we going to do with you?" Beautiful Bro wrenched open the secret compartment door and dragged Reeve out by the scruff of his neck.

"Err, you see, err…"

"Enter him in for the Battle Square Championship, Big Bro!" the terminally stupid wrestler said. Reeve waited for Beautiful Bro to hit the man again. And, when that didn't happen, he started to get a _very _bad feeling…

… … …

_A/N: There y'are! Mein Gott, I love Yinza's FF7 script… ;) _So _useful for fanfic…I should add that many of the lines in this chapter are indeed from the original game (though not Reeve's;)), and I'm not trying to pass them off as my own- I wanted to show the familiar from a new perspective, _not _plagiarise. But anyway, yeahhh! :D Please review, because the purgles will get you if you don't. And you don't want to see the _purgles_. So yeah, review. ;)_


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